The PPC General Store
by Wraith Squadron
Summary: What happens when Pipin and Merry go to a General Store, what do they want to buy? Do to a request, I am posting this warning: so funny that it causes "asthma attacks" So, please put down what ever you are holding before reading.
1. Pre Statement

Due to some reviewers I must state the following:  
  
MINI-BALROG: A misspelling of a Canon Character name in a fanfic spawns a mini-Balrog for OFUM. Examples include Legoals, Grimli and Argon.  
  
Different fandoms, and different fanfic universities give them different names. For instance, in the Jossverse, they are mini-trolls, named after a guest character, Olaf the Troll, ex-boyfriend of Anya the vengeance demon. In the Harry Potter universe, they are mini-Aragogs, after the giant spider in the Forbidden Forest.  
  
My advice to those who aren't familiar with OFUM (by the great Camella Sandman) is to read about the first year at OFUM here: and the second year at OFUM and MUSM here:  
  
They are sharp, witty, and very funny. You'll be very glad you read them.  
  
(Also, I have to plug all the other fanfic universities. You'll find the list of links at the bottom of the page at , but here's the list:  
  
The Official Fanfiction University Of DragonBall Z by Bananagirl  
  
The Official Fanfiction University Of Gundam Wing by DeathdriodMK3  
  
The Anime Fanfiction University by Shaun  
  
The Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy by Meir Brin  
  
The Fantastic Saga of SNAOL by SNAOL  
  
The Official Fanfiction University of FY by Washu  
  
The Official Fanfiction University of RW by Max-Nagia  
  
The Official Fanfiction University of Slayers by Faye Nightmare  
  
The Official Fanfiction University of Ranma 1/2 by Srac  
  
The Official Fanfiction University of YYH by The Great Hooble  
  
The Official Fanfiction University of Inuyasha by Lady Spirits of Love  
  
Official Fanfiction University of MegamanRockman by Teri-Teri  
  
Fanfiction's Official Beyblade Academy by SP  
  
Fowl Fanfiction Boarding School  
  
L'Academie de Moulin Rouge by Sabrina Levelle  
  
THE STAR WARS FAN FICTION ACADEMY by Wraith Squadron  
  
Fanfiction University of the Republic of Heaven by Jedi Marisa  
  
Official Fanfiction University of YuGiOh! by Seiyaryu  
  
The Fantasy Fanfiction Schola by DeeSaccachi  
  
Official Fanfiction University of Arrakis by Harmony  
  
Official Buffy and Angel Fanfiction University by HonorH  
  
JAG University by Ferret Goddess  
  
Ducks University of Fan Fiction by The-perfect-Elf  
  
Weaving Worlds Academy by Adele Elisabeth  
  
The International Fleet's Fanfiction Academy by Aroha  
  
The Official Fanfiction Academy of Chrono Trigger by DDR Freak  
  
Official Fanfiction University of Final Fantasy by Morrigan, the Nightmare Queen  
  
Final Fantasy Fanfiction Academy by Leez (FF 7-10)  
  
Official University of Baldur's Gate Fanfiction by Kaltia  
  
Xavier Fanfiction Institute by Michelle Solo (Movieverse)  
  
The Official Fanfiction University of the Caribbean Islands by Merc and Thalia  
  
The Official Fanfiction University of The XFiles by Rosie Cotton  
  
Go. Read. Enjoy.  
  
(This is a review that was given by: Farquarson, thank you) 


	2. The Stranger

The Life and Times at the PPC General Store

Disclaimer: The canon characters belong to Tolkien, all bow *bow*. Miss Cam belongs to Miss Cam as well as OFUM, Leto belongs to me along with my mini-Balrog Smeagul, and the first chapter of this was written by Saphie, so thank her. The second chapter is mine. Now on to the story!

Chapter One: The Stranger

Disclaimer: The canon characters belong to Tolkien, all bow *bow*. Miss Cam belongs to Miss Cam as well as OFUM, Leto belongs to me along with my mini-Balrog Smeagul, and the first chapter of this was written by Saphie, so thank her. The second chapter is mine. Now on to the story!

A man walked into the PPC General Store.  
  
Well, "teetered" would have probably been a better word for it, as he barely seemed to be balanced. He was wearing a long, black trenchcoat that covered his whole body, and a wooly scarf was wrapped around his face. Placed atop his head at a jaunty angle was a fedora, from under which dark, curly hair peeked out. The man stumbled up to the counter, knocking several display racks down with his flailing arms along the way.   
  
Leto stared. "Uh . . . may I . . . help you?"   
  
"Yes, my good sir," said a voice that sounded rather like a boy trying to sound like his father on the phone. "I require your services. Do you have any mushro--I mean, chocolate. We--I mean, /I/ would like some chocolate. Yes, chocolate. LOTS of chocolate. PINTS of it."   
  
There was giggling from the lower regions of the trenchcoat. The man looked down with an annoyed expression and punched himself in the groin.   
  
"Ow . . ." came the muffled reply.  
  
The man looked up. "Sorry about that. I picked up a . . . what is it called? A . . "  
  
"STD?" came the muffled response from his nether regions. "Lina was talking about it when we saw those slash stories and asked her if people did things like that often in her world, remember? And then she was all red-faced and went into a talk about birds and bees--though I have no clue how that pertained to sex--and told us about abs-tin-ants and those rubber things and--"  
  
The man punched himself in the groin again.   
  
"Oi, that hurt!"   
  
"Be quiet!" the man hissed.  
  
He looked up again. "Quite sorry. I seem to have picked up, er, Chattering Groin Syndrome."   
  
"'Chattering Groin Syndrome?'" Leto asked with a raised eyebrow.   
  
"Er, yes."  
  
"And you want chocolate?"   
  
"Yes, please!" went the man's nether regions. The man sighed, reached a hand down and pinched rather hard.   
  
"Ow! By dose!" the man's crotch yelped.  
  
Leto edged slowly away . . .   
  
"Can we PLEASE have chocolate?" the man asked. "I mean, can /I/ please have chocolate?"   
  
"Do you have an ID? Only OFUM and PPC staff are allowed to buy chocolate. No students, no canons."  
  
The man patted himself down, but couldn't find it.   
  
A hand near the man's crotch reached out from inside the jacket and handed up an ID.  
  
"Here."   
  
"Thank you."   
  
The man handed Leto the ID card.  
  
Leto stared at it.   
  
He stared at the man.   
  
He stared at the card again.  
  
He stared at the man again.  
  
"Sure," Leto said sarcastically. "I'll have your chocolate right away . . . Miss Cam." He raised an eyebrow.  
  
The man in the trenchcoat glared angrily at his crotch.  
  
"You tom-fool of a Took! THAT'S the ID you snatched?"   
  
"Sorry."   
  
"Merry, Pippin, out," Leto said, jerking his thumb towards the door.  
  
"No chocolate?" Pippin's muffled, pleading voice asked.   
  
"Nope."   
  
"None at all?"  
  
"No."   
  
"Not even a teeny, tiny--"  
  
"No! I have express instructions not to give you any. Especially after that sugar high you were on after eating all the whipped cream."   
  
"Not even the teeniest, tiniest, little smidgeon--"  
  
"NO!"   
  
Startled, Pippin stepped backwards and slipped, knocking Merry off of his shoulders and into a display stand of Bleeprin.  
  
Both hobbits scampered up from the mess and ran.   
  
"Good going, Pippin," Merry said with an eyeroll as he slipped and stumbled on the tent of a trenchcoat he was still wearing. "You couldn't be quiet for five minutes?"   
  
"'Chattering Groin Syndrome'? Honestly, Merry . . ."  
  
"MISS CAM'S ID?"  
  
"You said to get a staff member's ID, Merry. You never said which one--"  
  
The hobbits soon ran out of hearing range. Leto sighed and started picking up the bottles of Bleeprin capsules.  
  
Whoever said that being a shop-keeper was boring didn't know what the hell they were talking about.


	3. Sauron On Chocolate

Again not mine, but this story is. Many references to the OFUM which belongs to Miss Cam.

Chapter Two: Sauron on Chocolate

There is a new store in the Universe, it is in a plot hole between the PPC headquarters and OFUM. There is not a day that goes by when nothing exciting happens here.

"Those damnable Hobbits, they make a huge mess every time they come here!" Leto yelled as he cleaned up the mess Pippin and Merry had left. "Wait until I get my hand on them!"

In the corner Smeagul was lounging and napping, his whip curled up cutely beside him. He never went anywhere without it. He is hard to entertain, but Leto lets him come to work with him to help spot fangirls and canon characters. The only people that minis somewhat listen to is the staff at OFUM and their adoptive parents, which makes them really useful around here.

Just when Leto finally finished cleaning up the mess the Urple Bandits made, a stranger came in the store. He was wearing a large cape and hood. With long, confident strides, he walked up to the counter and waited. Leto started wondering who this person could be. It definitely was not those Hobbits, they were smart enough to not try the same trick twice. 

Leto approached the counter. "Hello sir, what can I do for you?"

"It is more, 'what can I do for you?' Mr. Haven," the stranger returned.

"What do you mean, exactly?"

"I can give you anything that you ask for, just name it," the stranger said. "For a price."

Before thinking Leto replied, "Ways to keep the Hobbits from the chocolate." Then, Leto realized his mistake. "SMEAGUL, why didn't you tell me that this is a canon character? Why?"

Smeagul started to roll around with laughter, he was awake the whole time. Just as if he knew this was going to happen.

The stranger lifted his hood, and Sauron's helmet greeted Leto. "Give me a weeks supply of chocolate bars," Sauron ordered. 

A thought came to Leto. Smeagul didn't tell him because he had something to do with this. Leto timidly asked Sauron, "Do not give any of this to the minis, please." With that Smeagul did not look happy.

"I will not." Sauron returned.

Sauron gave an un-pickable lock with its key to Leto, "This should keep them out of it."

With that Leto gave the chocolate bars to Sauron and Sauron left immediately, "Miss Cam is going to kill me for this one," was all that Leto could think.

*******

The next day Leto put up a sign that read "NO CHOCOLATE TO ANY NON STAFF MEMBER, NO CHOCOLATE TO ANY CANON CHARACTER." In little letters underneath it, 

"ID required for all purchases of chocolate."

Behind the counter a large cupboard, made of steel (imported from Earth, the nice thing about being in a plot hole is that you have access to all other worlds as well) fixed behind the counter, with the lock that Sauron made for it fixed solidly on to it. Sort of like a convenience store on Earth, but with way more protection on it.


	4. The Sad Times

On going with the PPC General Store

After about a week of being with out a horrible occurrence, Leto sat in the back of the store. Smeagul was manning the front, and no one was about to try anything on a Balrog, even if it was a mini.

The mail came in, with a letter from Leto family.

All was well, mail was normal but the message was not.

Son,

I am sorry that this is the was that I have to tell you this, you Grandmother has passed away. I know that this come as a hard time, but please try to keep a happy face. And come home as soon as possible.

Love with all my heart,

Mom

"What?"

Leto didn't know what to do. He just sat there.

Finally after about an hour, Smeagul came into the back wondering about what had happened to 

his adoptive father.

Leto passed him the letter.

You have never seen a Balrog be a better friend. In a second, he was up and got a blanket for Leto, then a very large mug a tea (warmed be his own hands no less). Then the strangest thing happened, Smeagul gave his whip to Leto to hold. This is very strange for a Balrog.

Leto cradled the whip. It was the most loving thing a Balrog could give a person.

After Smeagul closed the store for the rest of the day, he came into the back and just held Leto. (The blanket was fire proof, no worries.) At this, Leto started to cry. 

His Grandmother, was the most loving of people in the world. She taught Leto how to read and write. She was always there if he needed something. She never let any bad happen to him.

Then she became ill. Slowly, she became worse, until she could not walk anymore, then talk, lose all movement and just lie down in a bed all day. She has been like that for many years. Unable to move. It tore at Leto.

Now she is gone. Just like that, no goodbye, being far way.

His own mom is a wreck, she is being strong for her children's sake, but Leto can hear the pain in her voice. Of all her sisters, she was the one to take care of her. Her sisters were always there to help, but she was the one to make certain that everything was alright.

Then Leto fell asleep in Smeagul's arms.


	5. Gandalf and Frodo

The PPC General Store Chapter 4

Disclaimer: As usual, the characters do not belong to me; they are the property of Tolkien.  I do own Leto and Sméagul.  HFA belongs to Mier Brin, and OFUM belongs to Miss Cam.  The other continuums that I have mentioned do not belong to me either.

And thanks to bjam, and Em for betaing this fic.

Leto sat in his stool behind the counter.  "Man what a week!  First I run out of Bleeprin, and then I have to give up my own personal supply of Bleeto-dismal!"

The assassins at Headquarters had not happy when they found out about the lack of Bleeprin.  At their respective first opportunities, they came over and practically ransacked the store of the stuff.  He had to keep Sméagul at the door to make sure that none of them would leave with more than the quota expressed at OFUM and HFA.  After all, it could only be made so fast!

What didn't help out very much was having Milask keep his mini-balrog, Saml, here while he was out on missions.  Although he was adorable, Sméagul and Saml just couldn't get along.  Probably something to do with their namesakes; Sméagul kept on cowering in a corner or lashing out at Saml, and Saml was always throwing spoons and forks at him.  He finally had to give them jobs away from each other to keep them from fighting.

_But today is a new day,_ Leto thought.  _Today is going to be different!_

Then the bell at the door rang.

"Hello Gandalf… Frodo…, is there anything that I can do for you?" Leto asked.

"There is something that I need for my cooking, which I can't get at the University," Gandalf replied.  "You see, my dishes are not exploding as they usually do."

"That is horrible!  All those fangirls not getting proper exploding meals!  We can't let this happen!" Leto said, looking at his racks of exotic spices from all over the known genres of fan fiction.

Gandalf, while Leto's back was turned quickly turned to Frodo and whispered in his ear, "Go now."

Frodo nodded and slipped away from the other two.  He knew from Merry and Pippin that the chocolate was kept behind the counter.  What he wasn't counting on was that it was kept strictly under lock and key.

_Now where would that dimwit brained storekeeper keep his key?_  Frodo was certain that it couldn't be far.

"Now these, Gandalf are sour petals from the Star Wars continuum.  And these are Exploding Snaps straight from the Wizarding Shop in the Harry Potter continuum…" Leto droned on in front of Gandalf, while the Maia gave his oo's and ahh's at the proper points.  However, he also kept an eye on the Halfling…

Frodo quietly passed Sméagul, who was sleeping in the back room.  That was a good thing, Frodo reflected - who knew how he would act with the One Ring so close by.  

Up on a peg he saw a huge ring of keys on a peg two feet above his head.

Searching for something to climb on, he came across a note from Leto's girlfriend.

_Leto__ darling,_

_When are you going to come to visit?  I am so terribly lonely here.  Things are just not the same anymore with out you!_

_Come back to me my little Kitten Fluff._

_Love and many kisses,_

_Jessica_

"Kitten Fluff!" Frodo worked hard to keep a chuckle from escaping.

 He found a box by the back wall and pushed it over to where the keys where, then climbed onto it and pulled down the key ring.

Getting back to the store part of the building, he heard Leto and Gandalf talking.

"Well now that you have found what you are looking for, I will ring you up!" Leto said to Gandalf.

"Ohhh, wait!  Aren't those new weapons over there?" Gandalf said hurriedly, pointing to the opposite side of the store. 

"Yes," Leto smiled walking over to the weapons collection.  "This just came in from the Kenshin continuum – it's a Katana. It is very unique weapon.  And over here we have a replica of the cross form Trigun…"

Frodo blew out the breath that he was holding.  Quickly, he fumbled with the keys to open the vault that the chocolate was kept in.  After the tenth key that was tried, he got the door open.  He grabbed as much chocolate as he could stuff in his pockets and left a small amount of mithril; no one was going to say he a shoplifter!"

"I think that I will just stay with my staff," Gandalf said, when he was sure that Frodo would not get caught.

"Fair enough," Leto returned.  "Shall we ring up your shopping?"

"Yes, please do."

When Gandalf and Frodo where about to leave, Frodo shot back, "Was nice doing business with you Kitten Fluff!"

Leto started raging as the two friend walked out of the building.


	6. The Coming of the Aragog and the WereWol...

The Coming of the Aragog and the Were-Wolf  
  
After Leto's last humiliation in front of Frodo and Gandalf, he was sure to keep all his personal documents and things well out of view. Smeagul was behind the counter again. The last person that had tried to short-change him had been a student from the Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy. She left without her hair; it was almost as if she didn't know what a mini-balrog was capable of.  
  
By the time that that mess was cleaned up, Leto had applied to adopt a mini- Aragog. Its name was Pheonix, and it had the nasty habit of blowing up at times and coming out of the ashes as a full-grown Aragog instead of a newborn one. That was lots of fun with the fangirl that tried to pass him and get into the chocolate section. The stains took a week to wash out. But it was worth it, just for the look on her face. Pheonix's other habit was not as pleasant. He liked to produce the sounds of a city, and that was noisy in a small space.  
  
The people who came to the store were from all over the place, and they had some interesting requests. Angel, for instance, came here from time to time, looking for new and interesting gadgets, Neelix from Trekverse looking for strange food to feed the crew, and Grima regularly came asking for Ye Olde Poisonous Poison.  
  
One of the problems that Leto had was his policy on chocolate. Specifically, the policy on who was allowed to buy it. Originally this was only the staff members of the various universities and the PPC agents. The Lord of the Rings canon characters were not allowed any because it was not natural for them to have, but this was not true in all continuums. The list of who was allowed chocolate had to be revised daily, which only added to the hassle that the Hobbits had made. The Hobbits constantly looked for loopholes in the rules. Leto Leto was not about to let them find one, though; he still had the scars from when Sauron got his hands on some chocolate a while back.  
  
But another day, another dollar, to abuse the old maxim.  
  
Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, this was not going to be like any other day. Leto had just met up with an old friend of his, who was looking for work. This friend was not the usual sort of friend either, and for a human an unlikely one.  
  
The minis noticed the difference in Leto's behaviour also, which just made things worse. Because when the minis were distracted, they let stuff slip, and when stuff slipped bad things happened.  
  
Today was the day that Chiad was to start working.  
  
Now, don't underestimate Chiad. She is an intelligent person who happens to like things that can kill her, Leto thought. He made a mental note to put the silver swords under glass and keep the key on his own person. Before he could put action to thoughts a customer came in.  
  
"Hello, can I help you?" Leto inquired.  
  
The gentleman in question was not from the usual places. He wore a leather jacket and was very blond.  
  
"Hello chap, I was wondering if you could help me out with a small problem that I have."  
  
"Of course, but what would a person of your stature, a vampire ghost, have?" Leto inquired.  
  
"You are not up to date on any of the current events on the planet Earth, are you, my fine storekeeper?"  
  
"No, sorry, I am not. I am kept very occupied here, Spike."  
  
"Well, it is this Wolfram and Hart building. I keep running into the odd fangirl and spilling whatever I am holding. And then there are those girls that offer to carry everything for me, and the most annoying girls try to give me back my body though witchcraft. It is all rather disturbing."  
  
"Well, I could recommend you to some of the assassins at the PPC headquarters, but I think that you want to take care of yourself."  
  
"Damn right, you are," Spike said emphatically.  
  
"Well, do you want to play with the girls' minds, or just get rid of them?"  
  
"You have something in mind, don't you?"  
  
"Yes, I do."  
  
Spike followed Leto as he walked over to one side of the story and pointed out a marker. A stone girl was reaching for a book. The book was canon's canon.  
  
"Spike, if you could give me a hand here for a second?"  
  
They moved the stone girl out of the way. The girl--who had once been real-- was no loss; from her dress she had been one of the elvish Sues from the Middle-earth continuum. Once the girl was out of the way, Leto picked up the book that she was trying to get.  
  
"Now, this is a special book. I keep it for only the most desperate situations. Basically, its power is to change any person that is not supposed to be in the continuum of question into stone. All you have to do is give them this book to hold and poof, problem gone." Leto was more than a bit proud of the book; it was one of his own creations. The only problem with it was that it was so powerful that the PPC agents could not use it. The only reason that it did not affect him was that he did not try to enter any continuum he was not native to.  
  
"That is all well and good, but there is a problem there," Spike pointed out.  
  
Leto looked crestfallen. He had no idea with what would be wrong with his book.  
  
"What problem is that? Leto asked, hoping that Spike was mistaken.  
  
"Well, the presence of a new statue. I don't want Angel to get wind of this; I want to see him suffer under these girls' gauntlet."  
  
"Hmmm. Lets see if I can." Leto thought a moment. "Aha! Got it!" And he pulled another book off a shelf.  
  
"This book will transport any person that holds it to the nether world of your choice," Leto explained, keeping the book well out of Spike's reach. "The only problem is that there is no distinction among characters. It will transport anyone who touches it, unless they are keyed to it. And there can only be one person keyed to it at a time."  
  
Spike mulled over the point for a second. "Will the book transport the rock statues?"  
  
"We can only try," Leto responded.  
  
Touching the book to the statue of the girl that they had moved, Leto and Spike watched it disappear to nowhere. At this result, Spike looked very impressed.  
  
At that moment Leto heard a dingle from the front of the store. "Excuse me Spike, but I need to check on this next customer. You are welcome to browse, but please do not touch any of the books. They are dangerous and anyway, the titles will tell you everything you need to know."  
  
Retreating from the book section, Leto went towards the front counter. When he saw who it was, he stopped in his tracks.  
  
"Chiad, you finally made it here!" Leto said. "How are you doing? How was the trip?"  
  
"Good! I like what you have done with the place, but I think that I coulllllddddd.." Chiad's jaw dropped and the drool started flowing. 


End file.
